the beauty of healing

This summer while in Colombia, I felt the Lord speak very clearly to me. I was watching so much healing and restoration over the people in Medellin, specifically at Ciudad Refugio. Watching it unfold before my eyes, chains breaking off, walls coming down, and hardened hearts become soft and tender. I was so impressed and so amazed by the freedom found in Jesus and the amazing healing power of our Father. 

We were worshiping on the balcony of the fifth floor and I took a step back to look over the city. It was nighttime and all of the buildings were glowing. I leaned on the railing and looked out in wonder. As I was standing there, I paused in an intimate moment with the Lord while he spoke some truth over me. He said “Corryn, if you believe that I am a powerful Father of healing and restoration like you say I am, why aren’t you letting me be that for you.”  

Healing has always been hard for me. The thought of it, the actual process, and fear of what it will be like on the other side. Many times I have found myself comfortable in the hurting. Not because I like it, but because I’ve been dealing with it for so long that I feel numb to experiencing anything different. I became okay with brokenness, which we all have, but I became a little too comfortable in familiarity with it. I started seeing my brokenness as my identity. I am a broken sinner, but I am also saved by His grace. I felt like there was too much baggage for anyone to deal with. Without realizing, a long time ago I crossed the line of being aware of the fact that I am a sinner, and believing that that is all that I am. I forgot my value in the eyes of the Father. I stopped believing that I am as precious as gold and rubies. (Proverbs 3:15) I started confusing the truth and lies from the enemy. I lost sight of being a daughter of the King. 

At this point, I had fully accepted the fact that I was “unhealable.” I know it sounds crazy but I truly had believed this lie for so long. That I will just constantly be abandoned by all my loved ones, that I am not cared for enough to be the cherished daughter that God has created, and that because of the amount of baggage I have, I will never be truly loved by anyone.

I needed healing so bad, but acted like I didn’t. I built up so many walls. Between me and my relationships and especially with God. It scared me that He knows me so well. He is my creator and I still did not want Him to know everything about me. I used to think that if I somehow put up my human walls and pretended I am all good, God wouldn’t know and wouldn’t reach after me. He’s been chasing me for the last almost five years. Why does he love me like that? Why is he everlasting? Never ceasing? His love scared me. It still does to be honest. I’ve never seen a love like that and I didn’t believe I would ever be worthy of having a love like that. 

Fast forwarding to these last 6 months… I have seen what feels like a lifetime of change within me. Being willing to hear truth being spoken over me and actually believing it has led me to see the assurance of His character. Intimacy has always scared me, so seeing these huge brick walls being torn down is so uncomfortable, in the best way. I have seen the ways that I am now walking in a confidence that is based in the Lord’s view of me, instead of how I used to use my insecurities as the lens of my point of view. 

I’m currently learning: 

Healing is so freeing. He is our comforter. Let your soul rest. His yoke is truly easy and his burden is light. It’s okay to let the light be light. You need to let yourself be loved by the ones around you. 

Now as I take a step back, I can see my chains breaking off, my walls coming down, and my former hardened heart slowly easing. I am my own first hand experience of the freedom found in the healing restorative power of our Father.